


Trouble is, a part of me

by RandomFandomGuy



Category: All Time Low (Band)
Genre: Depression, Jack Needs a Hug, M/M, Pre-Slash, References to Depression, Touch starved Jack Barakat, Touch-Starved, What I'd give to have a friend like Zack, Zack Merrick is an awesome friend
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-07
Updated: 2020-05-07
Packaged: 2021-03-03 04:28:32
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,010
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24048967
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RandomFandomGuy/pseuds/RandomFandomGuy
Summary: Jack is struggling with depression and really needs a hug. Zack is more than happy to oblige
Relationships: Jack Barakat & Zack Merrick, Jack Barakat/Zack Merrick
Kudos: 13





	Trouble is, a part of me

**Author's Note:**

> 1st of all, I'm sorry this exists. I'm not exactly a good writer or claiming to be one. I just enjoy it and find it kinda therapeutic cuz its a good distraction from, well, everything  
> 2nd, Jack and Zack, if by any chance you ever find this, you are legally allowed to kick my ass lol  
> 3rd, this is just a fantasy i had when i was going through a depression episode and i decided to write it down. (I'm sorry i picked those guys for portrayal)  
> 4th, this isn't set in a specific time frame. You can have them as teens, young adult, older (actual) adults it won't matter much. The only aspect that will change here is Alex and Lisa being bf/gf or married, which won't change anything to the story tbh  
> Enjoy

Jack felt bad. Awful even. The emptiness in his chest pushed a surge of pain in his system. It could all be in his head. It actually was all in his head but what can he do about it? He did everything he was told. "Go out more, spend more time with family, pick hobbies, read, exercise(much to his dismay)" ... . They worked to an extent . But every now and then, his mental health would backlash. A depressive episode, an anxiety attack or a full on meltdown would spiral out of nowhere. But sometimes he could feel them coming though. This time, he did. He had been feeling off for a few days and he knew it was one of the signs. He tried to prevent the next declination. He pushed himself in all his activities but to no avail. Because when an episode is looming, it will inevitability arrive.  
He woke up from a 10 hours sleep feeling heavy and icky. He looked at his phone to see what time was it. 2:48 pm. Great. Not that he had anything to do this Saturday evening. But falling asleep and for this long (as healthy for his body as he's told) always led to disasters. He dreams when he sleeps. He hates dreaming. His brain betrayed him in the dream realm (it betrayed him in the real realm too so there's no actual difference except it gets the full liberty to torture him in other ways it can't in reality). This time, he dreamt of all the could've been. The Other Jack. The Jack that was mentally healthy. The Jack that was emotionally present. The Jack the wasn't self-centered. The Jack that was there for his friends. The Jack that could actually talk to people and not push them away, scared of rejection. The Jack that wasn't a liability. He dreamt of being that man. He dreamt of that life and how happy he could've been. He woke up exhausted, which is very normal for him after a night of film making inside his head. He stayed in bed for two more hours, staring at the ceiling and repeating his dream in his head. He knew it was the wrong thing to do. He knew it would only make him sadder if he dwelled on it. But what else was he gonna do? He is a somewhat emotional masochist. After his stomach made some angry resentment noises he got up and looked in his fridge. Two bags of Cheetos and a bottle of beer is all he found. He made a mental note to go grocery shopping. He pulled the junk food out and put Home Alone on his laptop. It always made him feel better. And it did, to an extent. At the final scene where Kevin reunited with his family, Jack felt awful again. Worse than he did in the morning. He felt more lonely. He could... Call Alex. But no he shouldn't. He and Alex kinda drifted apart ever since Alex got a girlfriend, which, good for him. Jack was happy for him. But he kinda lost his emotional crutch. Alex was always there for him when he felt like shit. But he has his own life and he needs to live it. Jack couldn't bare the idea of dragging Alex through his shithole of a life holding him back from living his own, so he just slowly backed away. They still talk and, as rarely as it happens, hang out. It wasn't the same but it did what it did.

Jack decided to clean around his apartment just to distract himself so he put on Green Day's American Idiot on repeat and started cleaning. After he was finished he went out and brought the groceries, just to get it over with. He honestly tried to get some reading done but his head was incapable of absorbing at the moment. He sat there wallowing in his misery till his heart took the best of him. He didn't let the tears flow though. This wasn't his breaking point just yet. He pulled his phone and looked through it. The last resort. He texted Zack if he could go over and stay the night. Zack was reluctant but agreed. Jack felt worse now. Imposing on Zack was something he hated. Zack never said no, in fact he always preferred to have someone over. But the tone in his texts made Jack feel like his timing was off. But he couldn't stay alone at the moment. It could end badly. So he showered and left his godforsaken apartment.

  
Jack knocked on the door to Zack's place anxiously. Sure, he and Zack were friends, good friends even... but still, they still haven't broke all the barriers. The door opened but Rian, Zack's actual best friend was behind it. Rian gave his world famous blinding smile and let Jack in. “Hey, J” Rian said cheerfully. “Hey Rian” Jack mimicked his cheerful tone. “Zack's in the kitchen” Rian offered “He's making dinner”. Jack felt bad now, well worse than before. He know why Zack was reluctant to have him over. Because Rian was already over and Jack was intruding on their quality time. Jack guessed they would order pizza or any other take out but now Zack had to cook, for the three of them. Jack sighed and mentally shook his head then sat to chat with Rian for a while then Zack called them to the kitchen. They sat at the counter and had dinner peacefully. Zack and Rian talking about nothing in particular and Jack adding a comment here and there so he doesn't seem too distant. Then they played video games and honestly it was fun for the three of them. Jack wasn't feeling competitive so he just let them beat him relentlessly and enjoyed watching their victorious reactions. He liked watching people be happy. For just a fraction of their happiness did slip into him. He could actually feel good when he's with people when they're Happy. They drank beers, told jokes, watched a comedy movie, all the things guys do. It was a nice evening. Eventually the other two decided to go to bed so Jack's uplifting moment ended. Rian said he's sleeping in the guestroom because he had to call his girlfriend and they'll talk for what could take a while. Jack offered to sleep on the couch but Zack had another say. “No way” Zack started, “i have an extra mattress in my room” . Cool. Jack wasn't gonna decline being with another person for a longer period of time. So they pulled the mattress out and set it up. Zack lied down on his bed and pulled out his phone. Texting in the ass end of the night. Jack didn't mind though. He, too, pulled out his phone and started to watch things on YouTube for a while.

  
Out of nowhere, Jack got a text telling him to “go to sleep” from Zack. Not looking up, he replied “no”. “Why not?” Jack heard the taller man say. “Don't want to” Jack mumbled. There was silence for a while then Zack spoke again. “You ok, J ? You've been kinda ... Subdued the whole evening” he asked, looking at Jack from above . Jack felt Zack's gaze on him so he looked up at him. It was impossible to escape his gaze now so Jack was not going to try. It was a long day of avoiding. “Not really” Jack mumbled again. Zack sat straight at that “Wanna talk about it? ” he asked. Jack also sat up “it's not that important really” he looked away feeling guilty. Now he's gonna drop his struggles at Zack too. Perfect. A nice person like Zack shouldn't be subjected to this. This is his own problem and he should be dealing with it on his own. He was pulled out of his thoughts by Zack's voice again. “Talk to me” Zack told him quietly. Jack felt a bit relieved, knowing that Zack actually cared enough to insist meant the world to him. “I've been feeling bad, lately” Jack started. “All kinds of bad. Hollow, sad, angry, disappointed, tired, you name it. But the worst thing I've been feeling is lonely” Jack looked up and saw Zack was looking at him with kind eyes so he continued. “I've been getting so lonely it physically hurts” Jack felt tears from in his eyes so he lowered his gaze. “And i hate that. I hate it so much” Jack was about to sob now. All the effort to push the next episode away was a waste. Because here he was, falling apart again. It felt pathetic. All he did was just go cry at his friend's place instead of his apartment. What would Zack think of him now? He's a cryer maybe? He's whoring for attention? Probably. Jack felt a weight beside him and a hand pulling him carefully into a hug. Zack was hugging him. It's the first time he's been touched in what felt like a lifetime. It was the best thing that happened to him this month. He couldn't help the ugly cry that forced itself out of him at that moment. All the negative emotions were going out and leaving his body. It was nice to have someone's shoulder (well... Chest but it's still the same idea) to cry on. Zack war also petting him on the back and shushing him, telling him to let it all out and that everything's gonna be ok, “this too shall pass” he reassured Jack.

  
After a while Jack stopped crying but Zack didn't let go. He kept his grip around Jack and his chin on his head. Wrapping him in a warm, muscular hug that was everything Jack needed. “Are you ok now?” Zack asked. “I haven't been this ok in months” Jack mumbled. “Thank you. I needed that” Jack looked up at the other man. Zack only smiled and hugged him a but tighter then let go of him. Jack immediately felt cold all around his body, where Zack's body wasn't anymore. Zack didn't leave the mattress though. He sat there facing Jack with this expression on his face, like he was trying to say something but can't find the right words. When he finally spoke he asked “this happens often? ” . “More or less” Jack answered. “Tell you what” Zack started. “Whenever you're feeling bad or just wanted to be around someone, text me. I'll be there. And if i can't come to you, you come to me. I'll always be available for hugs and comfort” . Jack was stunned. But Zack's comforting smile radiated with promises. “Really? I don't want to impose like that...” Jack whispered. Zack gave him the most unimpressed face ever. “Pull that bullshit again and I'll bitch slap you” he said after he gently punched Jack on the shoulder. Jack laughed at that. And Zack laughed along too. Then Zack was quiet all the sudden. Jack waited for whatever it was to get out. “Can i ask you something?” Zack asked, looking kinda nervous. Jack didn't know how to react so he tried to pull a cool reaction . “Hit me” he said but followed it with a quick “but don't actually hit me. I'll literally die if you did” . Zack chuckled at that. “Ok... So....” Zack began “ are you like... And don't get this the wrong way... ” . Jack raised an eyebrow but kept silent. “are you by any means into cuddling?” Zack finished. Jack's mouth did not function so he just nodded. “Do you want to?” Zack asked, looking kinda excited. “I mean, yes” Jack replied. They lied down the mattress and pulled the covers over them as they invaded each other's space. “I've always wanted a cuddle buddy” Zack murmured as he drifted off. Jack liked being spooned. This could work for his need for human touch. Zack was truly helping him with this. And with his cheerful company, Jack's episodes would dull down if not stop completely. Hopefully


End file.
